My Most Favoritist Day of the Year

I can say that, right?  I'm not saying I love one child more, I'm just saying that this particular DAY has more meaning and significance to me.  That's OK, right??  This might be a long one, so grab your coffee or snack.

Age 9, wearing her brother's flannel

I've been weepy for 24 hours now, and while realizing my oldest child is turning 10 today, I didn't think that was really enough to explain all the emotional breakdowns.  On second thought, though...  This is a pretty huge anniversary for me, personally, in addition to being a milestone for my oldest child.  This day, at 9:43pm, a Saturday in 2003, I became a mother.  The very instant that she was brought to me, swaddled up, I became a different person, starting down a difficult path of self discovery and personal growth, strewn with obstacles.

WeeWee, age 5 months

Her birth marked the end of a long struggle with Infertility.  Tim and I went through four years of medical procedures in order to conceive Willow.  I gave myself  hundreds of shots, he gave me shots, we spent thousands of dollars and suffered more disappointments than either of us thought possible for two Type A, driven and hardworking personalities.  We suffered a miscarriage and were coming to grips with the fact that adoption might be the best way for us to create our family. Then, on our 4th and probably last IVF transfer, Willow grabbed ahold for the duration.

One of these multi cell embryos is our very own Willow.

It wasn't an easy trip, even then.  I had terrible morning sickness for the first half of my pregnancy, and suffered a tear in my uterine lining, causing lots of bleeding and necessitating bed rest and modified work for my first trimester. We both struggled with doubts, for months, that this was really happening.  Then her birth was no less dramatic, arriving 5 days late and only after 2 days of labor and an emergency C-section.  Right after I was presented her swaddled body for a quick kiss, she was whisked off to NICU for breathing difficulties where she stayed, luckily, for only a few hours. That is the back-story to our parenting journey, and one that will claim it's own blog entry as some point I am sure.

Expressing concerns with broccoli, age 1

After all of that I, of course, thought the difficult stuff was behind me and as probably most new parents feel, thought the bliss of parenting would take over and everything would be happily ever after (until the teenage years of course).  What experienced parents are ready to say to an expecting parent, is that your life will change forever, in an instant, which is absolutely correct.  But the specific change is different and personal to each new parent.  The first time you realize that this tiny lumpy creature is in fact dependent on you for EVERYTHING and your inattention and mistakes can actually harm them gravely is overwhelming.  And that is just Day 1.  But what about that moment when you hold that baby's gaze for the first time, looking into those small eyes, which in Willow's case were clear blue and quite large for her tiny body.  You realize at that moment, this child is looking right into you, your core, and can see everything you have inside, even the things you hide from others and try to hide from yourself.  In that moment you realize THIS is the hard work, THIS is when you realize it is much more than protecting and caring for them, it is about being your best person.  Giving them everything isn't just food, clothing, housing and saving for their college education.  It is about looking at your weaknesses and demons and realizing how they might affect your child and your ability to be there for them emotionally and spiritually. This realization, at exactly the moment those small little orbs peer deep into yours, this is when the truly hard work begins.

Preschool picture, age 3

This day signifies so much more to me than the birth of my oldest.  It signifies the start, or restart maybe, of my journey to being my Best Person.  The only other day I can think of that compares in intensity for me is not even a single day, but a string of days and months when I first went away to college and was really free to discover Frauntene.  On or soon after October 11, 2003, the details of that person needed to be carved out and fine tuned, maybe as a sculptor would do while creating a statue.  The correcting of mistakes, cleaving off portions that weren't coming along right, like a slightly misshapen nose which you had kind of become used to but suddenly had the overwhelming need to make perfect regardless of how many more times you must try.  It involves the addition of more clay, newer clay that might be different in consistency or material, working to blend the old and new.  You must acquire more tools, better tools to create just the right angle or crease.  I have changed more as a person in the past 10 years than I thought people changed in a lifetime and not one bit of it has been easy.  But every single moment of it has made me proud, happy and accomplished.  All of this hard work internally has given me confidence to talk to my daughter about everything and has made those tween changes easier for both of us and I hope will make the teen years easier than they could be, and in the end, make us a strong mother-daughter team;  friends.

July 5, 2013

I love this little girl so much.  She is so much like me it is scary, yet she has so many qualities I admire and wish I possessed.  She is so confident and can laugh at herself and let things just roll off her back.  Everyone of her teachers....every single one has remarked to me how much they love having her as a student, she is refreshing and different...challenging, yes, but still described as 'a breath of fresh air'.  This is someone I want to know, someone I want to challenge to be their best, someone I want to watch grow old marveling at their take on life and it's challenges and opportunities.  How did I get so lucky?  Does every parent feel this?  I suspect they do.  I am just ever thankful, that through so much pain and hard work, this unique soul is the one the universe chose to send me.  Having this opportunity to witness her and to challenge myself in the most difficult of ways is life's sweetest reward.

Happy Tenth Birthday my WeeWee.  You may never know how much I love you and how much your birth has challenged me to love myself.  If and when you decide to have a child, you might begin to understand, but only at that moment when those sweet little orbs gaze so deeply into yours for the very first time.